I had a minor revelation last night. I have one of these insights about once a month. This one was regarding my predilection for heavy drinking.
Regarding imbibing alcohol, there are two sides to my personality: one side we’ll call the light (although not entirely accurate): this is my desire for ascetism, purity, 100% chemical free, leading a deep spiritual life, becoming as great and strong as I possibly can every day of my life, blah blah blah. (Be all that you can be, anyone?) This is a very annoying side that tends to throw me in lakes of self-guilt when I don’t live up to its high expectations. This is also the side that believes, no matter right or wrong, that if I drink enough and get majorly hungover the following day, I will “learn” and swear off the sins of booze forever and live up to its impossible to reach ideals. This is a complicated side that wants to be pure, yet if I am going to drink, I may as well drink revoltingly large quantities of booze so that I will learn my lesson and swear off the demon drink forever. In its eyes, moderation is bad, because if I can do moderation successfully, then I’ll keep drinking those occasional beers and Drambuie’s and will never be totally pure.
The other side of my personality: let’s call this the dark side (although of course this isn’t entirely accurate either). This is the side that actively craves to get “fucked up”, get lost in oblivion, forget the past and dream about a better future, rage, scream, whine, drink so much that the usual mild sober shackles are thrown off for awhile. This is the part of me that whispers “Come on guy, let’s forget about the bullshit of your daily life. Why not? What do we have to lose?”
With these two opposing sides in me battling it out, merging inside my brain creating a perfect storm, I realized last night it’s ridiculously simple why I have such a hard time with moderation. Moderation is not for people like me. No matter how hard I try, I just don’t do moderation. I can’t. Sorry buddy, but it’s not in my nature.
So that was my revelation yesterday: give up on moderation completely because it’s a hopeless cause.